Where I Never Thought I'd Be

Here.  This place.

This is where I never thought I'd be. Seriously...never.

My life, my aim for my life was always ministry focused - always serving, always supporting, always going, always being...being a mom, a wife, a pastor's wife, a daughter, a friend. I always believed in using my gifts, but never thought I would find myself in this current now-place.

Until now.

Now I find myself working full time in a career that I actually LOVE but not at a church or in a "ministry". It is smack dab in the middle of life and I have never felt like my ministry was more needed. The life that encompasses me, that I am surrounded by, that I live and breathe every day, is a life full of 22 little lives that need loved through their pain, that need sense made of the chaos in which they live, that need security in the unstable places that surround them. Never has my heart broken so deeply for a group of children, some of whom live lives that you think only happen in movies or cheap novels. The reality of the things they have witnessed and lived out draws me out of bed every morning, it brings me to my knees daily, it keeps me closer to Him who has gone to unimaginable lengths to redeem each and every one of us - even these little lives.

But never, never have I felt so inadequate and so completely unable to do something. Even with all that Andrew and I have been through, I always had a sense of being able to make it, that everything would be ok (and it is!!). But here and now, these children...oh God, these children! They challenge every piece of my being - mentally, emotionally, academically, professionally, spiritually. They remind me everyday that God has poured out His grace on me when I didn't deserve it. That He looked beyond the walls, the coping mechanisms, the facades, to love me anyway.

If I can only be the love they need. If I can only be the security they long for. If I can only give them the grace that was so unconditionally given to me. But I know I can't fully do that, because I am not God. But I pray, oh Lord, I pray...that I am Your love to these little ones, that I am Your hands and feet each and every day!

Don't get me wrong. I love the church. I love my church! I love that my husband is a pastor, and that we have a ministry family. In fact, I miss being involved in my church and all that is happening there. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I see other women doing things and I secretly, in that inner, sinful part of my heart think, "Man, I wish I was doing that instead", or "I think I could do that too", or the worst one..."Why does she get to do that and not me?". The yuck of jealously and comparison raises it's ugly head and I find myself wallowing in self pity because I am not able to do what I think I want to do.

But without fail, God gently reminds me that He has me right where He wants me. It's where I never thought I'd be, but it is certainly where He always knew I'd be. Now.

Because this place, this now-place keeps me humble and relying on His strength, instead of selfishly depending on my own. I always liked teaching, but saw it as a fun thing that I enjoyed doing that helped pay the bills. I never thought of it as a career but rather as a stepping stone to something greater that God had for me.

Haha! I laugh at myself for thinking such foolish thoughts! A step to something greater? What possibly could be greater than being exactly where God has planted you, even if you never thought it was where you would be? Nothing, my friend...nothing is greater than that!

I am humbled daily as I tread this teaching road. Everyday is new. Everyday is tiring. Everyday is draining. Everyday I am stripped bare of patience and wisdom. Yet (most days!), I feel full. I have yet to dread going to work in my classroom. In fact, I love going to work everyday, and for that I am very, very thankful.

This here and now place where I never thought I'd be, but can't imagine being anywhere else.



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