A Heart Joy

The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.  ~Psalm 28:7

Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. ~Nehemiah 8:10

I attended a Concert of Prayer for our Compass Women this past week. And my heart was SO, so glad to be there.  It had been a long week - Andrew was away for most of it, my boys were typically busy, and I had found myself out every night of the week as well. I worked full, full days - lots of care for students, their parents and caregivers, and follow up meetings with my Principal. My week ended with an appointment at the eye specialist where I had to have a second round of "surprise" laser surgery in order to seal a hole in my retina. I came home from this to prep my house for 35 teenagers to invade for two separate debrief missions trip meetings. 

BUT - my heart is full. In fact, it is joyful.

                BECAUSE - the joy of the Lord is my strength.

This truth hit my heart hard on Thursday night. That one simple phrase suddenly made everything make sense. In the midst of a really full (I REALLY don't like the word "busy"!) week, I suddenly realized where my strength needed to come from. It NEEDS to come from the joy of the Lord! HE is my strength - and my shield! I can have the strength to make it through my days and weeks because I can find joy in my Lord, because he shields and protects me.  Gills Exposition puts it this way:

"The Lord is my strength,.... That is, the author both of natural and spiritual strength; that gave him strength of body, and fortitude of mind, to bear up under all the exercises he was tried with;
and my shield; to protect and defend him; as were the love, power, and faithfulness of God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, his power and fulness, his blood, righteousness, and salvation;"

"The author of both natural and spiritual strength". Isn't that awesome? The author of our strength - the One who wrote it into being, the One who provides a supernatural strength - that strength that comes from somewhere other than within you. And it gives us "strength of body and fortitude of mind"!! I love that: fortitude of mind.  Minute by minute I need a fortitude of mind that comes from a supernatural source: "...the love, power and faithfulness of God...his power and fulness". How can we not win our daily battles when we have that sort of power to tap into? My heart is full of JOY!

And this joy that ensues is also supernatural, it is a joy that is "very great, a joy unspeakable, and full of glory; it was not carnal, but spiritual, a heart joy, joy in the Holy Ghost" (Gills Exposition). 

A heart joy.

A heart that is full of joy because the Lord has provided a supernatural fortitude of mind, and access to the power of God for protection. 

A heart joy.

A joy that goes deeper, holds stronger, speaks louder.

A fortitude of mind that provides a heart joy. 

               Strength and joy. 

                             Supernatural strength and spiritual joy.

Because even when life throws us a curve ball and our days do not seem ordered in any sort of way, we have a supernatural strength that provides us with spiritual joy. It doesn't mean we will be continually happy; it doesn't mean that we won't have troubles in this world; it doesn't mean that life will go as we  even hope it will. But it does mean that when trouble comes, when our kids talk back, when our boss demands something beyond our scope, when we get that phone call that might change everything, when our friends let us down, when our husbands fail us, when we fail them...we can still find the strength to carry on because God has authored us with strength to make it, to do it, and maybe even do it with a joyful heart.

A heart joy. 

The joy of the Lord IS my strength.

Where I Never Thought I'd Be

Here.  This place.

This is where I never thought I'd be. Seriously...never.

My life, my aim for my life was always ministry focused - always serving, always supporting, always going, always being...being a mom, a wife, a pastor's wife, a daughter, a friend. I always believed in using my gifts, but never thought I would find myself in this current now-place.

Until now.

Now I find myself working full time in a career that I actually LOVE but not at a church or in a "ministry". It is smack dab in the middle of life and I have never felt like my ministry was more needed. The life that encompasses me, that I am surrounded by, that I live and breathe every day, is a life full of 22 little lives that need loved through their pain, that need sense made of the chaos in which they live, that need security in the unstable places that surround them. Never has my heart broken so deeply for a group of children, some of whom live lives that you think only happen in movies or cheap novels. The reality of the things they have witnessed and lived out draws me out of bed every morning, it brings me to my knees daily, it keeps me closer to Him who has gone to unimaginable lengths to redeem each and every one of us - even these little lives.

But never, never have I felt so inadequate and so completely unable to do something. Even with all that Andrew and I have been through, I always had a sense of being able to make it, that everything would be ok (and it is!!). But here and now, these children...oh God, these children! They challenge every piece of my being - mentally, emotionally, academically, professionally, spiritually. They remind me everyday that God has poured out His grace on me when I didn't deserve it. That He looked beyond the walls, the coping mechanisms, the facades, to love me anyway.

If I can only be the love they need. If I can only be the security they long for. If I can only give them the grace that was so unconditionally given to me. But I know I can't fully do that, because I am not God. But I pray, oh Lord, I pray...that I am Your love to these little ones, that I am Your hands and feet each and every day!

Don't get me wrong. I love the church. I love my church! I love that my husband is a pastor, and that we have a ministry family. In fact, I miss being involved in my church and all that is happening there. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I see other women doing things and I secretly, in that inner, sinful part of my heart think, "Man, I wish I was doing that instead", or "I think I could do that too", or the worst one..."Why does she get to do that and not me?". The yuck of jealously and comparison raises it's ugly head and I find myself wallowing in self pity because I am not able to do what I think I want to do.

But without fail, God gently reminds me that He has me right where He wants me. It's where I never thought I'd be, but it is certainly where He always knew I'd be. Now.

Because this place, this now-place keeps me humble and relying on His strength, instead of selfishly depending on my own. I always liked teaching, but saw it as a fun thing that I enjoyed doing that helped pay the bills. I never thought of it as a career but rather as a stepping stone to something greater that God had for me.

Haha! I laugh at myself for thinking such foolish thoughts! A step to something greater? What possibly could be greater than being exactly where God has planted you, even if you never thought it was where you would be? Nothing, my friend...nothing is greater than that!

I am humbled daily as I tread this teaching road. Everyday is new. Everyday is tiring. Everyday is draining. Everyday I am stripped bare of patience and wisdom. Yet (most days!), I feel full. I have yet to dread going to work in my classroom. In fact, I love going to work everyday, and for that I am very, very thankful.

This here and now place where I never thought I'd be, but can't imagine being anywhere else.



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