Watching - Part 4: Faithful

Watch and learn...

To watch, I had to stop. I mean to really watch I had to really stop. In fact I had to stop in order to realize that I could even watch. I was so wrapped up in my own discontentment that I nearly missed the great things God was doing around me. In the busyness of my life, watching wasn't even an option. Until I stopped - until God stopped me. Until I was quiet. Until my trampled soul remained down in the quiet long enough to take a deep breath and invite peace and life back in. Then God said, "Look. Look and watch what I have been doing".

I watched what I had done in the past. God reminded me that like these women watching at the cross, I have been deep in the trenches of church ministry. I had spent years walking and talking and working with him, yes, even eating with him. God allowed me to watch and re-watch some of the great moments and events he had allowed me to be a part of as we have journeyed the past 40+ years together. He reminded me that those past moments were what rooted me deeply to him. My relationship with him is not about what I do, it's about who I am each and every day. It's not always about the doing, but it is also in the watching that we learn and grow. It is also about where we have been together, and that was important for me to remember.

I watched what was going on around me in the present. God showed me that my watching meant others were doing. God had me sit back and see the good that others were doing. He let me rejoice in how they were growing, in how they were being used, and in the great moments that he alone was creating for his good purposes. I watched women blossom and their lives became a sweet fragrance to God.

I watched what God had been doing. God showed me the bad and the ugly for sure, and there was tears and forgiveness and reconciliation in that as my soul was mended. But God also showed me the good. Good in how he used me in the lives on 22 little individuals - and their families. Good in how my dependence on him grew stronger and deeper every single day. Good in how my reputation stayed in tact, my determination remained firm, and my representation of him shone bright. The good I did in that classroom went way beyond the curriculum. My "kids" learned what unconditional love meant and they learned about grace and forgiveness and trust. I was his hands and feet and heart to a group of little hearts that needed his touch in their lives. I pray that they all remember this year as special, even if they can't put words to it. In reality I was doing ministry in a whole new way. Yes, I was watching, but I realized that God had me doing too.

So, I guess I was watching and doing.

I was just doing what I thought I would be watching, and watching what I thought I would be doing.

As I took a long look into the watching women of the cross, God showed me something else. These women were the first to go to the tomb. They sought him even after his death, and they sought him hard and deep (Mark 16). The reward? Mary was the first person he appeared to after his resurrection.

"But Mary stood outside facing the tomb, crying. As she was crying, she stooped to look into the tomb. She saw two angels in white standing there...'I don't know where they've put Him.' Having said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, though she did not know it was Jesus."

John 20:11 - 14

Mary was watching at the cross, Mary was watching at the tomb. She turned around and saw Jesus standing there. Can you imagine what Jesus was thinking right then as he veiled his Holy Self from her? Her confusion of grief and sorrow so deep it is only matched by His compassion and love for her. 

And in an act so common it is mind-blowing, he reveals himself to her.

"Jesus said, 'Mary'"

He says her name. He calls her by name and the veil is lifted from her eyes and she is watching Jesus - again...living and breathing and saying her name. Wow. Mary was so faithful in her doing and in her watching.  She had worked up close and watched from afar. And now she was being trusted to see and to spread the word! "Go and tell My brothers to leave for Galilee, and they will see Me there." (Matt 28:10).

"Go and tell...and they will see Me there."

Being faithful in the doing and the watching means God will continue to use me in the future. God will continue to call me into many different places with many different people. He calls me to "go and tell" through my doing and my watching, so that many others "will see [Him]". How awesome is that? 

One last thought. I have learned throughout this that the more of myself I give to Jesus, the more of Him I get. Even when I wasn't giving or getting on purpose, it was still happening. The Holy Spirit was still at work causing me to constantly surrender of myself SO THAT I would receive more of Him. What a blessed and holy exchange!  

I am so thankful to be a watching women. It is my prayer this coming year that I can be a watching woman who watches women because there is nothing greater on earth than watching women who learn and grow by doing life and ministry together. And really, the Bible tells us in each gospel that there were "many other women" gathered by Mary, watching too. This is a whole other facet to the story, but the truth here is that we are not alone in our watching. I wasn't, and still am not, alone in my watching. God has placed many godly women around me who journey a similar path, who also have their times of watching and doing. I am deeply thankful for each of them.

Looking forward to watching and doing together this year!

Watching - Part 3: Revealed

"Some women were watching from a distance. Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James the younger and of Joses, and Salome. In Galilee these women had followed him and cared for his needs. Many other women who had come up with him to Jerusalem were also there."

Mark 15:40-41

In the quiet place of my soul, I saw it. I saw me. That was me...a watching woman. Not at the crucifixion, but at the display of life going on all around me. Life that everyone else was living. Life that I wanted to live.

See, I was so tied up with life and responsibilities and discontentment that I was upset (jealous? envious?) that I could not be the one doing the ministry. I felt like I could only sit on the sidelines and really, I was feeling left out and "less than". I fought God hard on my purpose and my gifting and my desires, things I felt he had put in me yet I was powerless to act on. I felt like everyone else was doing what I wanted to do - ministry that I wanted to do, teaching what I wanted to teach, leading where I wanted to lead, learning what I wanted to learn, and I was frustrated. I was also embarrassed because I felt I was letting people down, that I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain, or living up to expectations (even if they were only my expectations!). I was feeling on the outside of something great.

That was just it. Something great was going on.

When I read Mark 15:40,  I realized that I wasn't left out, nor was I less than. I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do and where I was supposed to do it.

I was a watching woman and I was watching something great.

Who were these women at the cross that were watching from a distance, watching what was the greatest act of love ever given? "Mary Magdalene, Mary the Mother of James the younger and Joses, and Salome. In Galilee these women had followed [Jesus] and cared for his needs". They were women who had walked with Jesus and who served alongside him. They knew him. They laughed with him, ate with him, cried with him, talked with him. They were with him. They had been with him for the last few years, and now they had to stand at a distance and watch. How hard and painful must that have been for these caring women, these women who loved him, to sit outside of this massive event and just watch? It is hard to stand back and watch, especially to watch from a distance and know you are helpless to intervene.

That's how I felt. I was watching all these people and things going on around me that I wished I could be part of. Yet God had me doing something else. It was important for me to be a watching woman and to realize I was watching something great. I watched my friends love on people. I watched them learn wonderful truths about God and about themselves. I watched them dream, birth and launch new ministries. I watched them grow in and use their gifting. I watched them support and walk with friends through some really tough situations. I watched them draw in the lonely, providing food and love and truth. I had the privilege of watching God at work through his people. People who were broken and hurting and imperfect and striving and learning and loving because this is what God called them to do.

When I accepted my role as a watching woman, I gave up my discontentment and I rejoiced in the goodness of God that I was seeing. I was able to "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles..to run with perseverance the race marked out for [me]" (Heb 12:1).

Because God told me it is good to be a watching woman. I don't always have to be a doing woman. It was so humbling to realize (remember?!) that I can watch and that is good. There is learning in the watching. By always being the doing woman with the ideas or the actions to get things done, I am robbing others of using their gifts. God had me out of the ministry I loved, on to the sidelines, and I watched other people bless and be blessed.

It pained me, truly it did, to feel disengaged from my church family, from my partners in ministry, from my fellow ministry wives. I wanted nothing more than to connect deeply with each of you and couldn't understand why that wasn't easier, why that wasn't happening. I couldn't understand why God had me doing what I never thought I'd be doing. I was having a hard time reconciling where God had me with where I thought I should be. The beauty that my soul now rests in is this:

God had me watching for a purpose, I have to believe that he had you doing

 (or maybe watching too?) for a purpose. 

It isn't about me and you. It's about God IN me and about God IN you. I am so thankful to have watched each of you serve and work and grow, through laughter and tears. I am thankful to have been part of some of that.

I am content to continue to be a watching woman for as long as God has me here. These watching women at the cross intrigue me. If I am "one of them", what does that mean?

Watching - Part 2: Quiet

And in the quiet of my soul, I am reminded of all I am and all I can do through Him who gives me strength.

How do I start to speak of the quietness of the soul? Of that deep place where no one sees or hears or knows me like my Saviour does? That place where really, only He is ever allowed to go because it is so raw, so deep, so shredded, so...scary? That place that holds the ugly truth of all the lies and bitterness and failures I have held on to, believed in, succumbed to. Sometimes they are deep, from the past - from the pit - and that is scary.

The quiet place of the soul is somewhere I never want to go alone. I can only go that deep when walking hand in hand with Jesus. He and I have been there. He and I have walked the real and true Valley of the Shadow of Death. He and I have walked over the scars of yesteryear (over and over) that bubble too close to the surface every once in a while. He and I have walked over the cavernous pain of searing loss. He and I have walked the rickety swinging bridge of trusting and letting go and trusting and letting go.

And each and every time He has remained faithful.

So why am I struggling with discontentment? Why am I so unhappy with the height and breadth of the life he has placed before me? How can I dare say, "It is not enough!" when in reality the core of my being is shaking in my boots, scared to death because I am also believing the lie that I am not enough. It a paradox of truth and lies. No, maybe it's just a paradox of lies.

For me to say, "This life is not enough, this type of responsibility is not enough, I want more", is really and truthfully a lie. Actually, it's not that it is not enough, it is that I want it to be different somehow. I am unhappy - discontent - with what God has given me. If I am gut wrenching honest, I want what "she" has. And "she" could be anybody. The "she" at work , the "she" doing ministry, the "she" cooking great meals, the "she" welcoming everyone into her home, the "she" serving at the food bank, the "she" sitting and reading a book, the "she" going to the gym, the "she" writing a book, the "she" being an awesome mom, the "she" being a much better pastor's wife than me.

The bottom line of my discontentment? Sin.
I know it is sin that keeps me from being content and free.  Things like pride, envy, jealousy, comparison. Ugly, yucky sin that makes me second guess God's best for me.

It is in that quiet place of the soul where I can be ugly honest with God, and in that deep place he reminds me once again that I don't need to be "she", I need to be "me". In fact, he doesn't want me to be "she", he wants - and needs - me to be "me".

I am enough because he is more than enough. And that is the truth.

So as I remain in the quiet place of the soul for a bit, I am finding peace. I am able to see and hear the real truth. I allow God to soothe the deep places that need strength and healing and wholeness. I confess in a puddle of tears the sin that I let creep in between God and me, and for the lies of failure, fear, and discontentment that I believed about myself. And for the hurt that believing those lies has caused myself and others. I ask for, and accept, the gracious forgiveness of God. Not because I deserve it, but because I know I can't carry on harbouring this sort of sin and brokenness.

So I am forgiven! And I realize that I am at last watching all that is going on around me, not with contempt or distain or mistrust or jealousy, but with awestruck wonder. Because what I am watching is God at work, his plan unfolding in the most obscure way, yet so...right.

Here, in this quiet place, peace was reached and God revealed a deep truth through his Word.
I am so excited to share this next piece with you.

Watching - Part 1: Trampled

June 30th could not come fast enough. And yet when it arrived, I was indifferent. I felt emotionally and mentally drained - practically dead. My friend later told me that I regularly looked like I had been  hit by a Mac truck. That was pretty much how I felt...hit, smucked, left for dead. I was developing stress related health issues...heart palpitations, light headedness, sleepless nights, my hair was falling out.

But I think I prefer to use the word "trampled" because it wasn't a one-time hit, it was a repeated knocked down, get back up, knocked down, stand back up, knocked down, climb back up. By the end I was exhausted and drained. Part of me just wanted to stay down, give in, give up.

Yet I knew I couldn't do that. I knew that I couldn't let this win. I knew that I had to have victory in this because Christ already had the victory for me. And let me tell you, I claimed that victory every single morning. I could not step into those 4 walls without claiming that victory, praying loudly for strong warring angels to battle for me, protect me, provide me with wisdom and grace and courage. Each morning I claimed the promise that "I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind". Yes!!! (2 Tim 1:7).

I have said in previous posts that I was exactly where God wanted me to be, and I do firmly believe that. In fact, I'm not sure how someone without the power of the almighty God on their side could have survived, and that leads me to repeatedly and consistently point to that power as the only reason I actually walked out on June 30th on my own two feet, with both my mind and my reputation in tact. 

I might have felt emotionless, flat, indifferent, but I was also able to feel the flicker of life still within me, the faint flame that God himself put there and would not - will not - let the enemy extinguish. For that, I am very thankful.

It has taken me all summer to recover. I am now staring September right in the face and am mustering all the courage and strength that I can to face that reality again. Because I heard and listened to the lies that I was no good at my job, that I can't handle this, that I will never be creative enough, strong enough, firm enough, compassionate enough, organized enough. 

Excuse me Amy, but your insecurities are showing.

Yeah, I know. That's what happens when you feel trampled. You feel no good.  

You feel pain more than pleasure, 

you feel discouraged more than determined, 

you feel confused more than confident. 

All the things I was not doing seemed to smack me in the face and yell at me that I was a failure. I felt like a failure in ministry and in relationships, two areas which are very important to me. Even though I knew down deep that this (my) job was now to be my ministry, I was still really, really torn by my lack of ability to connect at my church. I felt disconnected, alone, friendless, unable to help or influence those who even tried, and it hurt...a lot. I was invited to be part of a Bible study and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I was asked because I was hearing that I was no good, that I had nothing to add to this group, that I was too tired and worn out and worthless.

I felt trampled. It was hard, and it hurt to get back up.

Failure breeds discontentment, and that was exactly what was happening to my heart. Failure blurred my vision to seeing all that God was using me for and doing through me. Failure made me think that I was not enough, that I was letting other people down, that I would never measure up. Failure made me believe that where I was wasn't good enough, that doing this hard thing that God had called me to was not really a good thing at all, it was just hard and frustrating and made me feel small and insignificant. I was discontent with where God had placed me because of what I thought I wasn't doing. 

BUT God is gracious. He slowly and consistently breathed life back into my being. He lifted my head to see His face. He held out his strong hand and tenderly and gently pulled my trampled body and soul close to his. His body which was also trampled and beaten and flogged and scarred - for me - rescued me once again. He touched my aching and broken pieces and is in the process of putting me back together. 

One step at a time. 

And in the quiet of my soul, I am reminded of all I am and all I can do through Him who gives me strength.

A Heart Joy

The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.  ~Psalm 28:7

Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. ~Nehemiah 8:10

I attended a Concert of Prayer for our Compass Women this past week. And my heart was SO, so glad to be there.  It had been a long week - Andrew was away for most of it, my boys were typically busy, and I had found myself out every night of the week as well. I worked full, full days - lots of care for students, their parents and caregivers, and follow up meetings with my Principal. My week ended with an appointment at the eye specialist where I had to have a second round of "surprise" laser surgery in order to seal a hole in my retina. I came home from this to prep my house for 35 teenagers to invade for two separate debrief missions trip meetings. 

BUT - my heart is full. In fact, it is joyful.

                BECAUSE - the joy of the Lord is my strength.

This truth hit my heart hard on Thursday night. That one simple phrase suddenly made everything make sense. In the midst of a really full (I REALLY don't like the word "busy"!) week, I suddenly realized where my strength needed to come from. It NEEDS to come from the joy of the Lord! HE is my strength - and my shield! I can have the strength to make it through my days and weeks because I can find joy in my Lord, because he shields and protects me.  Gills Exposition puts it this way:

"The Lord is my strength,.... That is, the author both of natural and spiritual strength; that gave him strength of body, and fortitude of mind, to bear up under all the exercises he was tried with;
and my shield; to protect and defend him; as were the love, power, and faithfulness of God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, his power and fulness, his blood, righteousness, and salvation;"

"The author of both natural and spiritual strength". Isn't that awesome? The author of our strength - the One who wrote it into being, the One who provides a supernatural strength - that strength that comes from somewhere other than within you. And it gives us "strength of body and fortitude of mind"!! I love that: fortitude of mind.  Minute by minute I need a fortitude of mind that comes from a supernatural source: "...the love, power and faithfulness of God...his power and fulness". How can we not win our daily battles when we have that sort of power to tap into? My heart is full of JOY!

And this joy that ensues is also supernatural, it is a joy that is "very great, a joy unspeakable, and full of glory; it was not carnal, but spiritual, a heart joy, joy in the Holy Ghost" (Gills Exposition). 

A heart joy.

A heart that is full of joy because the Lord has provided a supernatural fortitude of mind, and access to the power of God for protection. 

A heart joy.

A joy that goes deeper, holds stronger, speaks louder.

A fortitude of mind that provides a heart joy. 

               Strength and joy. 

                             Supernatural strength and spiritual joy.

Because even when life throws us a curve ball and our days do not seem ordered in any sort of way, we have a supernatural strength that provides us with spiritual joy. It doesn't mean we will be continually happy; it doesn't mean that we won't have troubles in this world; it doesn't mean that life will go as we  even hope it will. But it does mean that when trouble comes, when our kids talk back, when our boss demands something beyond our scope, when we get that phone call that might change everything, when our friends let us down, when our husbands fail us, when we fail them...we can still find the strength to carry on because God has authored us with strength to make it, to do it, and maybe even do it with a joyful heart.

A heart joy. 

The joy of the Lord IS my strength.

Where I Never Thought I'd Be

Here.  This place.

This is where I never thought I'd be. Seriously...never.

My life, my aim for my life was always ministry focused - always serving, always supporting, always going, always being...being a mom, a wife, a pastor's wife, a daughter, a friend. I always believed in using my gifts, but never thought I would find myself in this current now-place.

Until now.

Now I find myself working full time in a career that I actually LOVE but not at a church or in a "ministry". It is smack dab in the middle of life and I have never felt like my ministry was more needed. The life that encompasses me, that I am surrounded by, that I live and breathe every day, is a life full of 22 little lives that need loved through their pain, that need sense made of the chaos in which they live, that need security in the unstable places that surround them. Never has my heart broken so deeply for a group of children, some of whom live lives that you think only happen in movies or cheap novels. The reality of the things they have witnessed and lived out draws me out of bed every morning, it brings me to my knees daily, it keeps me closer to Him who has gone to unimaginable lengths to redeem each and every one of us - even these little lives.

But never, never have I felt so inadequate and so completely unable to do something. Even with all that Andrew and I have been through, I always had a sense of being able to make it, that everything would be ok (and it is!!). But here and now, these children...oh God, these children! They challenge every piece of my being - mentally, emotionally, academically, professionally, spiritually. They remind me everyday that God has poured out His grace on me when I didn't deserve it. That He looked beyond the walls, the coping mechanisms, the facades, to love me anyway.

If I can only be the love they need. If I can only be the security they long for. If I can only give them the grace that was so unconditionally given to me. But I know I can't fully do that, because I am not God. But I pray, oh Lord, I pray...that I am Your love to these little ones, that I am Your hands and feet each and every day!

Don't get me wrong. I love the church. I love my church! I love that my husband is a pastor, and that we have a ministry family. In fact, I miss being involved in my church and all that is happening there. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I see other women doing things and I secretly, in that inner, sinful part of my heart think, "Man, I wish I was doing that instead", or "I think I could do that too", or the worst one..."Why does she get to do that and not me?". The yuck of jealously and comparison raises it's ugly head and I find myself wallowing in self pity because I am not able to do what I think I want to do.

But without fail, God gently reminds me that He has me right where He wants me. It's where I never thought I'd be, but it is certainly where He always knew I'd be. Now.

Because this place, this now-place keeps me humble and relying on His strength, instead of selfishly depending on my own. I always liked teaching, but saw it as a fun thing that I enjoyed doing that helped pay the bills. I never thought of it as a career but rather as a stepping stone to something greater that God had for me.

Haha! I laugh at myself for thinking such foolish thoughts! A step to something greater? What possibly could be greater than being exactly where God has planted you, even if you never thought it was where you would be? Nothing, my friend...nothing is greater than that!

I am humbled daily as I tread this teaching road. Everyday is new. Everyday is tiring. Everyday is draining. Everyday I am stripped bare of patience and wisdom. Yet (most days!), I feel full. I have yet to dread going to work in my classroom. In fact, I love going to work everyday, and for that I am very, very thankful.

This here and now place where I never thought I'd be, but can't imagine being anywhere else.



Next Blog Post: How to Balance Ministry Life, Family and a Full Time Career (and Remain Sane)
Yeah, right... I'm working on it.

Rocks and Wagons

I read a story recently in a book by Joanna Weaver, "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" that struck my ministry family heart chord pretty bang on. The story talks of a man whom God has asked to carry three rocks up a mountain.  The man thinks, "Sure God, I can do that. Three rocks. It's not very far", and he proceeds up the mountain with the three rocks from God securely in his wagon.

Along the way this man runs into a couple of different people. Each person is happy to see the man because they too have rocks that they need taken to the top of the mountain. The man seems very happy to take the rocks of the villagers since there is room in his wagon, and their rocks seem very small. They fit nicely in the wagonload and do not add too much to the burden of the journey.

However, as the mountain road gets steeper and there are twists and turns along the way, the man is noticing that this job God has asked him to do is hard! This load is heavy! "God can't expect me to haul this all the way up the mountain!" (pg. 50). He looks up and sees the mountain top not too far away, and with relief and a final grunt of energy he lands his fully loaded wagon on the plateau and flops down in tiredness and despair. God looks at him and says, "You seem to be having a hard time. What's the problem?" The man proceeds to unload his overloaded wagon issues on God (which God graciously accepts), and he weeps with complaint and self pity.

From page 50:
 God looks at the wagon. "What is this?" He held up a bag of pebbles.

"That belongs to John, my good friend.  He didn't have time to bring it up himself. I thought I         would help."

"And this?" God tumbled two pieces of shale over the side of the wagon as the man tried to explain.

God continued to unload the wagon, removing both light and heavy items. They dropped to the ground, dust swirling up around them.  The man who had hoped to help God grew silent. "If you will be content to let others take their own burdens," God told him, "I will help you with your task."

"But I promised I would help! I can't leave these things lying here."

"Let others shoulder their own belongings," God said gently. "I know you were trying to help, but when you are weighted down with all these cares, you cannot do what I have asked of you."

The man realized that he only had to carry the three stones God asked him to. He did not have to carry everyone else's stones.

In ministry we are constantly bombarded with other people's burdens, and we are very tempted (and even guilty of wanting) to carry them. We get lulled by a false sense of security that says we will be better at ministry if we carry more, or we will be liked more, be respected more, be desired more if we carry more. But there is a difference between carrying for and carrying with. We can be called to walk alongside someone who has a heavy burden to carry. And that burden might not be very heavy for us to carry, but it is not ours to shoulder. If we remove someone else's burden and opt to carry it for them we risk two things (at the least):

For one, we risk taking the lessons God wants to teach other people away from them. God has given them that burden to carry for a reason. God wants nothing more and nothing less than to walk alongside them. He says, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart". The yoke is a symbol of partnership, of training, of mentoring between two animals. Hard working, dedicated animals. This is what God wants for us. He wants us to come to him. Only he welcomes our burdens and takes them without complaint. He wants to make our burdens light, and to teach and train us as only he can. But when those burdens are not ours to carry, we rob other people of the special and significant relationship that God desires to have with them. We can love them, support them, pray for them, counsel them and guide them, but we must be careful to not take from them what God has lovingly given them. We might have the best of intentions, but those intentions pale in comparison to the plans God desires!

And second, we risk not being able to accomplish the tasks that God has called us to do. He has given us tasks, responsibilities, desires, and burdens. He wants us to have the close working relationship that he has called us to. He loves you. He loves me. He wants to work, live and love alongside each of us in ministry and in life. Our burdens are unique. They are ours, but they are ours to shoulder WITH him. I hope you find freedom in that reality!! "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." God has not asked, and is not asking, you to carry more than he knows you can handle. He has uniquely gifted you to carry what he has knows you can.

My own three stones are a whole lot easier to carry, and much more manageable, when I don't add other's rocks into my wagon. God asked the man to do one thing - carry the wagon of rocks up the mountain. God has asked you to do one thing - carry your wagon of rocks up the mountain. That, you can do.

Bless you - and your rocks and wagons! May God grant you wisdom to know which rocks are from him and which rocks have jumped in to your wagon, even with good intentions. I pray you find rest there in the working out of your load. God is good, and he will never leave you alone.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28)